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Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i hate blogs, i dun see a pt in a blog but yet here i am typing all this. because sometimes its just so much easier to have everything typed down staring at your face. soemtimes its easier when everything is nicely spelled out for you.
why did i join aiesec. i feel so out of the loop. my entire team is from hongkong/china minus one malaysian boy. but somehow they all are so close. without me. they are our leader jennifer are all so close and its just so hard because i really duno what i can do. i duno the language they speak (canto). for once i know what its like to be the minority, to be out of the loop. and the thing is they dun make the effort to talk to u. often when u see the minority u make the extra effort to include that person. but they dun. these hk ppl are so happy with their surrounds and their comfort zones that they dun see a need to mingle outside their social circle... i guess im learnign what its like to be out of the loop. for once to be the one left out, the one not greatly invovled. its not a nice feeling at all. i wish someone inside would reach out to me and help me out. cause its getting tiring to try and talk to them. its getting tiring to sit there while they chatter in canto.its getting tiring to try to care about something that i dun want to care bout...
sometimes the workload is tiring, and i noe its my fault because more than half the htings im doing are extra. but i know i must do it. i know im not as smart and i noe that in order to get the same grade i must work twice as hard. i noe i must do it all, but its tiring trying to get everything done. its tiring and frustrating when u see how ppl just breeze through while ur slogging away. but its alrite. cause im use to it. i dun mind working hard because i noe it pays off:)
i guess i just miss my friends in singapore. having ppl who i can easily talk to or be myself with. i guess im still not that close to the ppl here and no matter what u haf to put up a front. and u just can't let go. u can't share evrything u want to share or say anithng u want to say. and i just miss the comfort my friends in singapore provided me. that assurance and total accceptance of me. here im so scared if i just be myself ppl will hate me or dislike me. im so scared ppl will think im too noisy or crazy or just too... and that ppl will dislike me.
my birthday is coming up. .. and i really don't want it to come. because.. whats the pt, no one is gona do anithng, no one is goan care and im gona be sad and disappointed and embarrssed that im the one person that ppl "forgot" or cared not enuff for to do something for. and now some of the others can't go for the bath trip which is just so bitterly disappointing ... because its another girl's bdae. oh wells.
ive been in warwick for 7weeks... its my eighth week. and i guess in a way its starting to feel a lil like home. just wish my friends and family were here to experience this with me cause its reallli nice. but for me i measure great experiences not by the things i do but by the ppl i share it with. and not being able to share this with my close friends and family just sucks
.. why do i feel annoyed or sad that that happened. its good because thats the way it should be. but yet a part of me wishes it didnt' because.. well. it might. "clear things" and is that what i want? what do i want.. and what does God want....
im still growing and learning
i need to do my quiet time
i need to pray
i need to walk closer to God
i need to keep my close friends in prayer
i need to grow up
this angel's tears fell at 12:56 a.m..
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